Twelve months. 365 days. 8760 hours (when you're a mom there are days that you count the hours cuz one day is a looonnnggg time). A plethora of nursing sessions. Singing a medley of "God is so good / I love you Lord / Seek ye first" more times than I can count as part of naptime and bedtime and MOTN wakings. And yet, somehow, husband, baby boy, and I have made it through one whole year as a family of three with all limbs in tact. As I reflect back on the past twelve months, the one thing that reverberates in my mind is how God has walked with me, with us, every hour, and every day, through every experience. On the "easy" days He's given us rest, sweet memories, and delightful surprises. On the hard days (and boy were there many) He gave us just enough energy to get through it and just enough wisdom to navigate the turbulent waters.

Baby boy's middle name means God has been gracious, has shown favour. "Grace is the Hebrew word chanan or the Greek word charis, meaning “the state of kindness and favour toward someone, often with a focus on a benefit given to the object.”" Now I know some may say that these were just coincidences, or can be explained by biology or science. But for me, these are moments that God has shown up in the past year, reminding me that He knows what's best and that I am not forgotten even in the loneliest moments that often accompany motherhood.

Here are some instances of God meeting me where I was at and showering me with His grace (and love and mercy):

1. When I was told at 40+3 that we would have to deliver baby via elective C-section I was pretty devastated. Not because I wanted so badly to have a natural delivery nor that I didn't anticipate the possibility of a CS, but because I knew from all that I had read how rough a CS was and how much longer and more painful recovery would be. It would also have an impact on any future pregnancies, automatically increasing the risk for complications. In the car, on the phone with my mom right after the appointment I was in tears telling her what was to happen the next day (we had less than 24h from appointment to scheduled surgery time). I prayed and pleaded even that morning that God would give me peace about it, but still felt anxious knowing that I was about to undergo major surgery. Ultimately it was the best route to bringing baby safely into this world. When they cut me open they found baby boy had his cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. Three times. My doctor said baby was smart to stay put. Had we tried to induce and labour I would have likely needed to have an emergency CS anyway. This way was better. After wondering why I had to go down this path, He answered.


2. After struggling through the first month of new mom life, having daily anxiety attacks that included dry heaving (which hurts like hell when you have a healing incision in your abdomen), shakes, and chills, a friend from high school that I haven't seen or spoken to since high school reached out to me out of the blue. She reassured me that this was a normal part of postpartum for some people and that she had similar experiences when she first became a mom. The next few days, weeks, and months involved long chats back and forth with her giving suggestions and advice on nursing and baby's sleep, and just walking alongside me. After a month feeling like my prayers had gone unheard, He answered.


3. Speaking of anxiety attacks, these happened almost at the same time every day. The mornings were usually the worst after yet another night of only 2h stretches of sleep. By the afternoon symptoms seemed to subside, only to recur the following morning. And knowing this regularity, when I was feeling better I would try as much as possible to give myself pep talks, or reminders, or compile playlists to listen to when I was in the heart of an anxiety attack, but nothing would alleviate them the following morning. Then one Saturday morning about 5 weeks in, they just stopped. After pleading with God every day asking for mercy, He answered.


4. Similarly, after 5 weeks of postpartum life and little to no sleep, I woke up one day and didn't feel like I had just been hit by a bus. This was a monumental milestone. Up until this point I couldn't fathom how I would ever be able to keep going feeling so run down and utterly exhausted every hour of every day for what seemed like eternity. I dreaded nursing sessions cuz of the discomfort that both doctors and lactation consultants said would only improve with time as baby boy grew bigger. When I was up in the middle of the night nursing (again) I would think to myself that I just needed to make it to morning, only to realize that when morning came I would still be in the same cycle of nursing and diaper changing and not sleeping (this is usually when an anxiety attack would hit). I felt trapped. But after 5 weeks, He answered.


5. In the first 3 months with the newborn I had a myriad of questions and Google only got me so far. Especially when so many theories and methods contradicted each other and I had no clue how to decipher which was "right for you and baby". I felt like I had zero "mom instinct" and could not for the life of me tell the difference between a hungry cry vs. a change-my-diaper cry vs. a tired cry (still can't really to be completely honest). It all sounded exactly the same. But in came friends who were also new moms in recent years. They shared their experiences, gave advice and thoughts when asked, and just kept encouraging me as I fumbled around this whole "being a mom" thing. After hours spent Googling everything and asking for wisdom, He answered.


6. I was so exhilarated when my sister-from-another-mother told me she was due with her second around the same time. What I didn't realize was how much of a blessing it would be not only to mat leave with her, but to have her as a sounding board in the past year. We've talked through sleep regressions, nap strategies, feeding struggles and everything in between. I've asked her questions about baby boy's skin rashes (even sent her pictures), pumping challenges, where to find a sun hat, and she has been so gracious and supportive with helping in whatever way she can. She gave me pep talks when I needed and encouraged me to come out for lunch where I had to venture out alone with baby. We would text each other messages to read in those MOTN wakings which made those twilight hours feel less lonely. All those nights I felt like I was the only person awake in the entire world, He answered.


7. When we ventured out to France when baby was 5 months old, we didn't realize how disastrous his night sleep would get. He barely slept on the flight there and basically just napped on and off the whole time we were in the air, too stimulated by all the things to see on the plane. On our first night there he woke up every... 45... minutes... all... night... long. He refused to sleep in the travel crib and after 3 nights of no sleep because non-sleep-trained-baby would only sleep in my arms, I found myself rocking him once again, singing that medley of songs, and begging God with tears in my eyes to let baby sleep. And by some miracle, he did. And not only the usual 3-4h stretch he would normally do, but closer to 6-7h that only happened once in a blue moon. Just when I felt like I would fall over from not sleeping, He answered.


8. When we came back from France (this was an awesome trip, eh?), baby boy's sleep was also a wreck. Having co-slept with me for 2 weeks, he now would wake up scared and crying in his crib then would proceed to stay awake for the next 2h cuz he was also jetlagged. And when I got plastered with a terrible cold I had no idea how I could recover given my non-sleeping baby, but somehow he managed to sleep a solid 6h which in turn gave me a solid 6h to sleep and rest. When I thought it would take me forever to recover cuz I couldn't sleep, He answered.


9. Post-France we decided it was time to teach babe to fall asleep on his own at night. It took a month. Most of the sites we read said it would take 2 weeks tops. And that was just night sleep. Naps were supposedly a whole different beast, much more challenging, and taking much longer to establish. Up until this point I would have to sit in the recliner with kiddo to get him to nap longer than 30-45 min. This was following 15 mins of singing/rocking, and I would sometimes need to get up and rock him again when he would start to stir after 45 mins. Needless to say, those stories of moms getting stuff done while their babies napped just wasn't a reality for me. The day we decided to try and get him to sleep on his own for naps I expected to face the same resistance we had with night sleep. But he surprisingly had no problems, just closed his eyes and went to sleep. After a month of sleep training and worrying about nap training, He answered.


10. There were numerous nights when baby would be up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep for whatever reason. After multiple attempts at getting him to go back to sleep I would often find myself hitting a brick wall and unsure of how I could muster up enough energy to keep going. And yet, somehow I would always have just enough strength and just enough voice left to sing him songs till he finally calmed enough to go back to sleep. When my voice was hoarse and my eyes were heavy, He answered.


11. There were also countless early mornings (I'm talking 4am/5am) where sweet child (note sarcasm) would wake and whine and me in my half awake state would throw out a drowsy prayer that God would help baby boy go back to sleep... and he did! Even in my desperate, half awake prayers, He answered.


12. At 10.5 months, when nursing had finally gotten easy and we had gotten into a good groove, baby decided to self-wean suddenly. This then sent us into a frantic couple of weeks of trying to pump, not getting much out, and trying to get him to take formula. It was bittersweet for me, remembering how hard it was at the beginning and then having it end so suddenly, sooner than I originally had in mind. Then at 11 months, I cracked my root-canaled-but-never-crowned-cuz-of-COVID molar (again) and needed to have dental surgery to extract the broken tooth and put in an implant. Having him weaned allowed me to take meds without having to worry about how they would affect a nursing baby. Though I didn't understand why weaning didn't go according to plan, He answered.

I'm 100% sure there are many more snippets of God's grace in my life this past year that I haven't thought of, and even more certain that there are still many more to come as I continue to journey on this path of motherhood. I write these things out not to brag about how much favour I've been given, but to remember how God is so ever present in my life and that He continues to show up in the highs and lows, the brightest of days and the darkest of nights. It has been a year of change, a year of growth, and a year of grace.